I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
