did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
