my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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