Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
