how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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