I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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