shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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