You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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