i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
