I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
