I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
