Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
