she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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