She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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