I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
