The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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