did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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