Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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