I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
