wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
