my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
