Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
