You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
