My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish my penis had a tongue
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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