If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
