I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
