So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
