he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
