Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
