Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
