I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
