I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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