You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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