Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
