if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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