i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
