I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
