we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
