I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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