Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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