I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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