nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
