I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
