life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
