She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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