Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
