And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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