I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
