I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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