we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
