Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
